Healthy Relationships

What makes a relationship healthy? How can I tell if I am in an unhealthy relationship? If I am in an unhealthy relationship, how do I fix it?

Great questions!

Characteristics of a healthy relationship include good communication skills. Persons in a good relationship take the time to genuinely listen to each other, listening with their heart not only their ears. They ask questions, they share information, they don't hold grudges. Other key factors consist of dependability, being realistic in expectations as well as flexibility. Arguing in a relationship isn't necessarily unhealthy, one thing to keep in mind, however, don't assume how the other person is feeling! Facial expressions aren't always an automatic door into how the person is feeling. Instead, ask questions and invite them to share how they're feeling, as well as not holding back your own feelings.

The Art of Listening:
Listen to understand
Pay attention to more than just the words coming out of their mouth
Try to put yourself in the speaker's situation
Put aside your own opinions for the time being
Show interest and empathy
DO NOT interrupt
Clear up misunderstandings before you being your own talking

"I" Messages:
An "I" message is a wonderful way to communicate! The basic format for this statement would be . . .
1. I feel . . . . State how you feel
2. When you . . . . Name the behavior
3. Because . . . . State the reason
4. I like it when . . . . Name the behavior you want from that person
This format can be used for both positive and negative reactions!
When someone is not nice to you, you can use this format to explain to them the problem.
"I feel violated when you enter my room without my permission because I feel you don't respect my privacy. I like it when you ask me before you go in my room."
Using this form I've been getting a lot more positive results in my conversations and life. Particularly with my brother, he respects and understands what I'm saying. Sarcasm is completely eliminated and not an issue anymore! You can also use this way of communicating just as easily when you're pleased with the way someone's treating you.
"I feel happy when you invite me to hang out because you seem to like me. I like it when we're considerate and friendly with each other."

A good relationship will only be brought to pass when good communication is used consistently! If I was to tell you something I thought was important to my life, I'd want you to listen right? However, often times we don't want to listen to what the other person is saying because we don't find it interesting. Does this sound familiar? Parents! When your child is saying something about their day, (especially when you've asked them about it!!) you had better listen! What your child is saying is particularly important to them and they want your help or at least a listening ear. Kids! Be compassionate, your parents have a lot on their mind and they care about you but occasionally they have other things they need to tend to. In order to make sure talking to them is convenient you could consider asking them for an "appointment" or just a time where you can talk to them with their undivided attention.

Domestic Violence Cycle:
There are three typical phases to the domestic violence cycle.
Tension Building - Insults, threats, yelling
Violent Episode - Hitting, pushing, throwing objects
Honeymoon Phase - Apologies, promises, gifts
Any of this sound familiar? It is likely you are in an abusive relationship with your significant other, you deserve a healthy relationship! Do NOT settle for what this person is giving you. Either seek marriage counseling or get out! The average victim will leave the abuser 7-8 times before making the final break! Don't let that become you, you deserve so much better.
Remember, you CAN leave a relationship!!

Teen Dating Violence:
Did you know that a teen can get a restraining order with out their parents knowledge?
16 to 25 year olds are at the highest risk of dating violence
About 70% of sexual assault cases involve date rape
1/3 high school girls have experienced dating violence

Recognizing signs:
Calls you names in front of people
Becomes more and more controlling
Makes excuses for the behavior (often the excuse is your action)
Loose their temper breaking things, hitting things when mad
Frequently cancels plans at the last minute
Demanding where you have been, who you have been with, what you have been doing



What you deserve-
Being listened to seriously
Treated with respect
Feeling safe
Not abused emotionally, sexually, or physically
You can leave any relationship or fall out of love!

Dating Skills-
Don't base your self esteem on your ability to get a date
Ask questions and get facts before accepting a date
Don't hesitate to call your parents if you need help
Communicate your plans with your parents
Stick with your commitments and don't change your plans if someone "better" comes along
Be honest and kind when you turn someone down for a date
Be okay with staying home when you don't have a date

You have the right to a good healthy relationship! Let's work on our communication, recognize the signs of abuse and make our world a better place. God bless you.